Saara: The Interview (S1E2)
When I met Saara she lived in Neukölln and worked at a label assisting and managing musicians. She also plays the guitar and some beautiful tunes. When you meet her for coffee she charms her way into your heart, not only by her great loud laugh. She loves to philosophize about choices we make in life and fears we have to overcome to find our way through the jungle of expectations and doubts. That’s why she takes the Ringbahn sometimes going around Berlin to get focused again on what’s most important: To follow your dreams and live life to the fullest.
1. What are your positive characteristics?
I am naive. I forget stuff pretty easily and in that way I am open to a lot of things. I feel like I don’t hold on to stuff or I don’t drag stuff with me easily. I am simple in a way, even though I’m quite sensitive and emotional, like I can be really moody but in the end I feel like I’m naive and open minded, too. I always trust everybody and I think that everybody is good from the beginning. Sometimes it’s very disappointing when you notice that’s not how people are. But that’s how I am.
2. And your negative ones?
I think I’m always on the extremes, like it’s either or. I am either super confident and happy and everything is going well or everything sucks and there is like no way out! I am very impatient when it comes to myself. Often times I am not very satisfied with what I am and what I achieved. Like, I cannot see the good things. Only after a period of time. If something doesn’t work out I am like fuck it and I move on. I don’t spend too much time on things that don’t work out. I would really like to look deeper into things before giving them up!
3. What makes you feel lonely?
Well, I’m a bit of a loner, anyways. I like to be alone a lot. But I guess I’ve never been so alone as I’ve been when I moved to Berlin. I guess what makes you feel lonely is when you’re not connected to other people and when you’re not connected to yourself. And you need mirrors, other people to kinda wake you up once in a while from your head. I guess when I’m not satisfied with something that I’ve done, when I’m not happy with myself, that makes you feel lonely because you feel incomplete.
4. What are you struggling with right now?
I am struggeling with daring to jump into the unknown. I think I should just quit my job and see what happens! I’ve done it 2 times already and I know the beginning is always really hard to find your new way. Ja, that’s what I’m scared of but it’s not gonna get any easier I guess. I just have to do it.
The other big theme is helping other people. I’m constantly meeting people who have big problems in their lives and me kinda diving into them, trying to help them. But you cannot help a person who doesn’t want to be helped. And I get confused , is it love or just me wanting to help. I guess I’m escaping from my own problems by solving somebody else’s. It’s really hard to admit but that’s how it is. I just have to see what my limits are in that. And it’s alright to fuck up cause then you grow a little bit.
5. What makes you happy?
When you’re not in a rush and there is not like 100 million thoughts in your head and you can just stop and see that everything is fine. That’s like the happiest feeling that I get. And just noticing, paying attention. And unexpected things make me really happy. I was thinking if success makes me happy. But it’s very temporary. Of course, if I succeed in something, if I play a show that I feel really good about and people give me good feedback, it makes me super happy. It’s like being high. That’s like the happiest feeling that I can get. Playing music is more like a drug. It’s like a peak of high that’s not gonna last. More important is being aware and noticing things around you. That’s the core of happiness.
6. What’s the secret to a happy life?
As long as you don’t give up I guess you’re happy. To be able to dream. Even though they don’t come true just keep dreaming. And having plans for the future, for things you want to achieve.
7. What makes you sad?
When communication between people is lost, when there is no understanding. Because for some reason people don’t want to understand each other. Cause I like to talk and I like to go deep into things and then, if it’s not possible to solve it’s really hard to let go. Or if I don’t get what I want (laughing). Yeah, it’s disappointing, when you don’t get what you want. That’s something that I would like to learn. If you can’t get something, go for the next thing!
8. Looking back, what do you regret?
The thing that I regret the most are the times when I haven’t trusted my intuition. Like I’ve acted against me. I hope that in the future I’m more brave. Like, if I need to change my life somehow that I’ll be brave enough to do it when I first feel it. It’s just a matter of being scared of the change. You know something from your heart that this is not working anymore, I need to do something about it. But you’re scared and afraid of letting go the old things and old patterns. So you just keep going. Studying, or a job or a relationship or biting your nails, whatever. Intuition is a good helper. You should always trust that.
9. What sad experiences have you made so far?
I guess the biggest tragedy of my life has been my parents’ divorce and then having really difficult relationships inside the family after that. That has been a long process that has affected me a lot. I had lots of eating disorders when I was younger. Cause we didn’t talk about it. My Mom wanted to divorce. I saw how unhappy she was and I encouraged her to do it. I started to organize everybody’s things: Got my Dad into therapy, got my sister into therapy, myself as well. It’s been 13 years now but my Mom and Dad are not talking to each other. I felt that I had to be an adult when I was 15. I got really sick. Anorexic, bulimic and that was not really noticed in the family either. I had to take care of it by myself. And also there was no culture of talking in my family, there was always this silence at home. From the outside it looked like everything is great. I remember kids at school saying: I wished that my family was like yours. It is a big theme in my life I guess to understand that I actually didn’t do anything wrong. And also to forgive them, that they didn’t know better. You have to talk to achieve understanding between people. That’s the only way to solve problems and develop in your relationships! Problems are interesting. They are like chances to look at life in a different way. And see if it’s possible to act different next time. Maybe it’s not, maybe you need another disaster to learn or a 3rd one or 10 more but at least you have to look at it. People can hurt me but it’s not something that you cannot forgive. No punishment will ever cure anybody. It just doesn’t help. It’s how people are. But you can still forgive and apologize and you can act as a human. That’s the thing that makes a difference!
10. What would you still like to experience in life?
I would like to play my music and write and that somebody would publish my writings. If you want to achieve something, you have to be able to say out loud what you want. And that has been a bit of a problem for me lately. I don’t know if I am scared to say it out loud cause I am scared to achieve it or because I had so many failures in the past. But if I try to be really brave I can say that I wanna play music and I wanna write. Maybe I would like to be a gardener, too. To have a job that is not with computers. I think it’s a horrible destiny for a person to work in an office. I would like to have a family as well. I always had this dream of meeting a carpenter who will build me a house on an island…
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